It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, it happened. It left scars and dents. It created sadness and insecurity that was then suppressed by me saying it was over.
Saying something is over isn’t enough until it’s truly acknowledged for what it was and the harm it caused. How was I ever foolish enough to think that I was done with it and that I could then move on with my life. I had been maimed and I never even knew it.
My life had become a struggle and I never understood why. Just imagine it, shutting a door on a matter and thinking ‘yep that’s done with. I’ll never have to see that person ever again. I’ve blocked them out of my head and they’re now officially gone.’ But he put a curse on me that I would carry until one day I snapped.
Seeing psychologists and therapists and having them ask “how was your childhood?” My only answer can be “it was fine”, because it genuinely was. I had removed that period of my life from my head, but then I would snap. I’d run away and put the good people in my life through terrible pain unwittingly. All of the difficult things that I had dealt with even after that time and the huge challenges that I was faced with further on in life became what I thought were the catalyst for my meltdown. Then one day I agreed to get proper medical help for my mental health.
Through a long process with some physical discomfort and patience I slowly woke up and saw the sky start to clear. With each night during treatment from then on, the last dream I would have before waking was a redemption dream. A dream where I was faced with a person that had given me emotional pain, anger and anxiety and in each of these dreams I stood up to them and said “I’m better than this”.
The joy and release with each of these dreams was a peaceful bliss and inner victory that gave me a power I never knew I had.
Then came the dream of ‘him’. His disgusting attitude and pure ambivalence toward me. His actions in slurring my name and making me fearful of the slightest sound. Making me feel such strong insecurity in myself and left wondering if I will ever be worthy of anyone. I realised he MADE ME BELIEVE through his conniving ways and bullying behaviour, not just to me when I was only 16 but to others as well, that I was ugly and worthy of no one or ever finding love.
BUT I HAVE FOUND LOVE. I have now let go! I am grateful for who I am because I am now the one in charge. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, but it does matter about what he did.
I am stronger now than I’ve ever been and as much as he or anyone can try and cut me down, I will come back and will be re-born again stronger and more independently powerful than ever before.
Gee that felt good.
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